Ironmaster

Ironmaster

Genre:  Action, Adventure  

Original title: La Guerra del Ferro

Director: Umberto Lenzi

Year: 1983

A tale that takes place at the dawn of history. The movie tells the story of a tribe that discovers how to fashion weapons out of iron and use them for their own survival. However, the creation of iron also causes the tribe to battle for possession of the new weapons.

With Conan The Barbarian being such a smash in 1982 it was no surprise that the Italians would want a piece of the action & make their own action adventure picture, of course on a much smaller budget. Ironmaster is a noble attempt at the genre but unfortunately, a very forgettable one. 

Director Umberto Lenzi (who must of had a go at every popular genre back in the day) doesn't really bring much to the table here, I often find his work very hit or miss & unfortunately this is one of the misses. The special effects are decent enough for this kind of picture. Sure monkey men in suits and lightning effects that appear to of been drawn on don't do the film any favours but for the most part the majority of ideas pass as at least serviceable. 

Sam Pasco stars as our macho hero here in his only acting credit. Well I say only acting credit, he also had a career as a bodybuilder & a a gay porn-star under the name of Big Max! Physically he is an impressive specimen but charisma-wise, leaves a lot to be desired & is unfortunately a million miles away from being Arnold Schwarzenegger, epecially with his emotionless acting and horrible delivery of dialogue. 

Sam Pasco, AKA "Big Max".

However, fear not! The big selling point for this film (you could argue it's the only selling point) is we have George Eastman playing the evil character of Vood who will kill everybody in his way to rule the land! 

Eastman is an actor that always gives his all in every film he appears in however bad a picture it is or however ridiculous his character may be you can always be sure to get Eastman bringing his A-game. As always he delivers the character of Vood with so much charisma that he really helps bring this otherwise dull film to life each time he appears on screen. His performance sees him kill off the leader of his tribe, escape from the angry tribe, witness a volcano erupt & accidentally create an iron weapon, thus essentially becoming the father of the Iron Age! Not done there we have Eastman vs boars, lions & men in ape costumes. All this backed up with classic dialogue such as "When warriors stop showing their power, it is the beginning of the end'. It is a classic Eastman performance even if the film is pretty much trash. 

If you dig George Eastman i'd say it's well worth a watch for him alone, if not, stay well clear as there is barely anything else to warrant its existence. 

Rating: ★★

George Eastman, creator of the Iron Age.

Knife Of Ice

Knife Of Ice

Genre: Giallo

Original title: Il coltello di ghiaccio

Director: Umberto Lenzi

Year: 1972

Martha Caldwell is a mute traumatized by her parents death in a railway accident. Whilst staying at her uncles home somebody begins killing people she knows off one by one.

This really is an unmemorable Giallo in almost every way. Director Umberto Lenzi who usually delivers nasty, gruesome & sleazy flicks plays this one surprisingly tame from start to finish. Any kills are pretty much shown off camera which wouldn't be a problem if the story was captivating & engaging, but it's far from that. It's the sort of film which may of got a pass from me had it made up for its shortcomings in its predictable plot by piling on the violence & nudity but it remains frustratingly uneventful throughout. 

It stars Carroll Baker who has appeared in hugely successful pictures such as How The West Was Won & Kindergarten Cop though she also appeared in a handful of Gialli such as Orgasmo & A Quiet Place To Kill so is not stranger to the genre. She spends most the film struggling to communicate with people as the murders are happening. It is a serviceable performance, though she benefits from having her character be a mute so she doesn't have to work with the horrible dialogue that the rest of the cast were doomed to deliver. 

I did enjoy the use of weather throughout. There are some nice scenes of fog & thunderstorms that create the little atmosphere that the picture generates but with its sluggish pace nothing in this picture ever feels like it really gets going. 

One of Lenzi's poorer attempts & one that is so forgettable that an hour into the film I began to realise that I'd seen the film only two years previously.

Rating: ★★

It can't be much fun talking to Carroll Baker on the phone

Nightmare Beach

Nightmare Beach

Genre: Horror, Slasher, Thriller

AKA: Welcome to Spring Break

Director: Umbero Lenzi

Year: 1988

Diablo is a biker gang leader executed for the murder of a young woman. A year after his death, teenagers on spring back begin to die

Right let me get this out of the way quickly, this is a BAD film, however, it's one of the most entertaining and over the top (with its outrageous 80s style) flicks that I've ever seen. Some people argue that this is a Giallo, there are black gloves & a "who's the killer" plot though being from '88 this is an obvious attempt from Umberto Lenzi to cash in on the American slasher. But my god it's so much fun! 

The script is just awful, there's so many hilarious pieces of dialogue and memorable bit part pieces in this film, from the constant wet T-shirt competitions, the hotel pervert (who watches his guests undress) & the 80's hair-rock soundtrack.

Then amongst all that you have two of my all-time favourite character actors in John Saxon (who plays a really corrupt cop who'll stoop to any level to get the job done) & Michael Parks who plays an alcoholic Dr. The rest of the cast is mostly made up of TV actors from shows such as Sunset Beach! All the characters remain memorable even if it is for all the wrong reasons.

For pure entertainment value I can enjoy this film as much as any of the classic films that the Italians ever made, sure you have to be in the right frame of mind to watch it but if you know what you are letting yourself in for and embrace its weaknesses you'll find yourself entertained from start to finish. A gem of terrible cinema which I can watch again & again. 

I could go on & on, if ever there was a film to sit down with a few friends & a bunch of beers then it is this one. Definitely one of the it's-so-bad-it's-good kinda films & the kind that I can imagine some people absolutely hating but as somebody who can enjoy even the worst trash this remains a film that never fails to put a smile on my face.

Rating: ★★★★

With headphones that large she deserves to die.

Spasmo

Spasmo

Director: Umberto Lenzi

Year: 1974

Christian and his girlfriend are taking a walk on a deserted beach when they discover a woman's body lying. A closer look proves that she's alive. The next day Christian meets her again at a yacht party and they fall in love. Later at a nearby motel, something weird happens as they prepare to go to bed together: An intruder breaks in and starts beating Christian who accidentally shoots him with his own gun. A few hours later they find out that the corpse is missing and a series of weird incidents takes place.

Spasmo is quite an odd film that doesn't make sense very often, the dialogue is ridiculous in places & then there are the latex dummies which are constantly being hung & stabbed, yet never seem to play an important part in the film. 

This is a pretty confusing Umberto Lenzi flick starring Robert Hoffmann & Suzy Kendall. The Ennio Morricone score didn't have the most memorable theme but really came to life in the more tension felt scenes, very disorientating at times. The twists in the final 15-20 minutes keep coming and coming in a what-the-fuck kinda way. 

That said, Spasmo remains a unique and highly entertaining Giallo despite it's many flaws, it may be incoherent with a daft plot but this oddity somehow delivers the goods.

★★★½

Suzy Kendall being strangled, as usual.