Hatchet for the Honeymoon

Hatchet for the Honeymoon

Genre: Giallo, Horror, Thriller, Psychological Horror

Original title: Il rosso segno della follia

AKA: Blood Brides / Red Wedding Night / The Red Mark of Madnes

Director: Mario Bava

Year: 1970

A bridal design shop owner kills various young brides-to-be in an attempt to unlock a repressed childhood trauma that's causing him to commit murder.

I was underwhelmed with this Mario Bava picture. For a giallo it's different as there is no real Who-Done-It, instead we spend the film with the character of John (an unconvincing Stephen Forsyth) as we see him struggle with his own sanity more and more as the film progresses, killing off women along the way. This kind of thing has been done brilliantly in films such as Psycho, Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer & Maniac, where the writers choose present us with more of a character study, whilst still offering kills, thrills & spills along the way. Here though, the plot is more geared toward what has caused John to behave this way & is delivered in a drawn out manor which is never as interesting as it should be. 

Mario Bava is an outstanding visual director, the kind that can make a bog standard scene feel alive, unfortunately my major problem with many of his pictures is that I've rarely found him to be a great story-teller. That element of his work always seems to be secondary behind the visuals & this kind of plot suffers in a big way because of it. 

The film does have it's moments though, there's a fantastic scene where John has just killed a women on the top of the stairs & two suspicious investigators come in & start questioning him about some screaming they've heard. Blood begins to slowly drip down the dead womens arm, through her fingers, then slowly drops down the stairs making a gentle splashing sound, this happening closely to where the police are questioning John. The tension built here is really fantastic. That added with a really fantastic score by Sante Maria Romitelli that is used to great effect in the film from the beautiful piece on the opening credits to the briliant loud electric guitar when John's character makes a turn for the worse, it's almost reminiscent of Harmonica's theme in Once Upon A Time In The West how it hits you out of nowhere.

Overall, quite an average Bava picture that I'd only recommend to Gialli obsessives or Bava completests.

Rating: ★★½

Zombie

Zombie

Genre: Zombie, Horror

Original title: Zombi 2

AKA: Zombie Flesh Eaters

Director: Lucio Fulci

Year: 1979

Strangers looking for a woman's father arrive at a tropical island where a doctor desperately searches for the cause and cure of a recent epidemic of the undead.

Zombie, known as Zombi 2 in Italy isn't a sequel to anything. When George Romero's classic Dawn Of The Dead was released in Italy simply as Zombi, the Italians decided they'd name a new film that was being produced, Zombi 2, this to fool people into believing it was a sequel to Romero's smash hit. With this in mind it would be easy to assume that this is some kind of cheap nasty knock off but thankfully this is the complete opposite.

Directed by one of Italian Horror's most bankable names, Lucio Fulci begins this film in New York City where an abandoned sail boat is found floating by police after it nearly collides with other passing boats. They climb on to investigate only to find a Zombie on board who uses them for lunch. It is a fantastic intro with some expertly shot cinematography from Sergio Salvati who shot so many of Fulci's best known horror pictures.

A reporter & a women who is looking for her father travel to the tropical island where the boat had came from to investigate what exactly is going on & the film begins to unfold. On their way there we get the infamous underwater zombie vs shark scene where a women goes for a dive only to find a shark coming after her, she hides down in the seabed only to be grabbed by a Zombie! As she escapes the Zombie arrises and attacks the shark. It's bizarre as hell, yet somehow strangely effective with its well delivered make-up effects from Giannetto De Rossi & then the eerie score which dominates the picture by Fabio Frizzi. It really is one of horrors great scores.

When we reach the island the picture really does benefit from its slow pace, instead of hitting you over the head with thrills & kills it hangs about & sucks you into the films atmospheric tendencies which stem largely from the islands abandonment. Around the half way mark we get one of the most talked about kill scenes in the history of horror movies, THAT eyeball scene. It is beautifully staged with a slow build up & a brutal conclusion which will creep the shit out of anybody who has a problem with eyeball trauma. From here on in you know that the film won't be pulling any punches.

Eventually the inevitable happens & the dead all rise from their burial grounds & the film climaxes with the remaining humans of the island trying to escape whilst being outnumbered by the walking dead. It is a thrilling & action packed final 15 minutes with Zombies being blown to pieces & burnt alive. The films final scene of a huge pack of Zombies walking across the Brooklyn bridge as the credits roll is such a fantastic finish to a really atmospheric ride from start to finish.

For me personally, the zombies in this picture are the best looking & most intimidating zombies that I've ever seen, yes even more-so than Romero's breed of zombie. Whilst Night Of The Living Dead & Dawn Of The Dead remain my two favourite Zombie pictures this quite wonderful effort from Lucio Fulci I'd rate only slightly behind the pair. Considering how many Zombie films there has been made over the year this is quite some achievement. Zombie remains one of Fulci's greatest moments and one as far as Italian horror goes, this is top tier material.

Rating: ★★★★

Giannetto De Rossi's wonderful make-up effects, one of the films many highlights

Killer Crocodile

Killer Crocodile

Genre: Horror, Giant Monster, Adventure

Original title: Killer crocodile - Coccodrillo assassino

Director: Fabrizio De Angelis

Year: 1989

A group of environmentalists arrives at a faraway tropical delta where toxic waste is being dumped. However the water also hides a giant crocodile. The corrupt local officials don't help much either.

This creature-feature is directed by Fabrizio De Angelis who's best known for being producer on some of Lucio Fulci's most famous films such as Zombie, The Boyond & The New York Ripper. Under the pseudonym of Larry Ludman he'd direct a string of mostly forgotten about genre films around the mid 80s such as Karate Warrior & Thunder. 

So here we have another Jaws style cash-in done with little money & little talent. yet Killer Crocodile still manages to generate a certain amount of charm to make things worthwhile. The acting & editing are pretty terrible at the best of times but the Crocodile effects are actually pretty damn solid. They do make the big mistake of revealing too much of their giant prop by not cutting away fast enough which gives away any faults, but for a picture like this it was actually impressive.

The plot, whilst predictable moves along at a decent pace & remains semi entertaining. The cast lack personality and mostly just act as fodder for our big croc with exception of Ennio Girolami who plays this complete badass who lives near the swamp so understands the terrain & most importantly, looks like Lee Van Cleef! The environmentalists seek help & turn to him so Girolami casually jumps off his boat & lands on top of the Croc and begins to attack the beast, it's hilarious in its outrageousness & easily the best scene in the entire picture.  Sadly Girolami passed away earlier this year.  Ennio made a number of appearances in cult Italian films from Light Blast, to Tenebre & also was in all three films of the Bronx Warriors trilogy which were directed by his younger brother Enzo G. Castellari.  

You know what you are getting yourself into with these type of pictures, most of them are pretty atrocious & whilst this picture suffers from some terrible writing, bad acting & a complete lack of originality it remains mildly entertaining throughout & lovers of creature-features will no doubt get their kicks out of it.

Rating: ★★½

Ennio Girolami 1935-2013. R.I.P

The Last Shark

The Last Shark

Genre: Horror, Natural Horror, Giant Monster

Original title: L' ultimo squalo

AKA: Great White / The Last Jaws

Director: Enzo G. Castellari

Year: 1982

An enormous and angry 35 foot Great White Shark takes revenge on humans when they build a beach just for swimmers by a coastal town.

Of all the films the Italian's decided to rip-off, The Last Shark is probably the most notorious case. Shortly before the film's release, Universal Pictures filed suit against the producers, claiming the film was too similar to Jaws, and the Australian distributors, for breach of copyright regarding Peter Benchley's book "Jaws". Universal won an injunction, and the film was pulled from theaters. 

The film would eventually be released on VHS world-wide with various titles that would confuse people into believing that the picture was actually a Jaws sequel. Because of this, over the years people not accustomed to Italian films of this era have regarded it as one of the worst films ever made. This is unfair. Whilst The Last Shark is nothing special, it is for the most part a competent film. The practical effects of the shark are surprisingly decent & very rarely look less than serviceable. The surprising downfall is the dull characters that just act as a support for the shark. Director Enzo G. Castellari who tends to always have fun characters in his movies (surprisingly) fails to deliver this time round with a cast of completely unmemorable characters. 

The Natural-Horror/creature-feature genre is one which when done right can be highly enjoyable. The monster part was handled pretty well, unfortunately the lack of decent characters really drags the film down a good few notches. That said, there is still fun to be had with The Last Shark & as far these type of films go its far from being a disaster. It's certainly better than some of the official Jaws sequels that were churned out in the 80s.

Rating: ★★½

As you can see, it's nothing like jaws!

The New York Ripper

The New York Ripper

Genre: Horror, Exploitation

Original title: Lo squartatore di New York

Director: Lucio Fulci

Year: 1982

A burned-out New York police detective teams up with a college psychoanalyst to track down a vicious serial killer randomly stalking and killing various young women around the city.

By the early 80's the Giallo as most people remember it wasn't really being made anymore, they had with time, grown new influences and morphed into other genres. The New York Ripper is one of those kind of films. Mixing the slasher with the Euro-crime thriller with a huge amount of exploitation with a handful of Gialli elements. 

Now first of all let me come out straight, I'm not the worlds biggest fan of Lucio Fulci. His films tend to not sit well with me & this, for the most part, this is no exception. You have some really sleazy scenes, mostly of a sexual manor including a women being toe-raped whilst in a bar! Looking back it comes as little surprise that this was one of the films put into the video nasty list by the BPI. Infact the UK censor ordered all prints to be escorted to the airport and deported from the country, so you could say this film was somewhat controversial!

Somewhere in here there's a pretty nasty & mean spirited serial killer film, but then the baffling choice to have the killer talk like Donald Duck (even during the kills!) really becomes irritating and completely removed me from the picture. Also there is too much time spent on police procedure instead of delivering the goods.

This is one of the big infamous films of Italian cinema & one which many people love, it doesn't get anywhere near that level for me. I find it nothing more than a slightly better than average sleazy romp then there's nothing wrong with that.

★★½

Nightmare Beach

Nightmare Beach

Genre: Horror, Slasher, Thriller

AKA: Welcome to Spring Break

Director: Umbero Lenzi

Year: 1988

Diablo is a biker gang leader executed for the murder of a young woman. A year after his death, teenagers on spring back begin to die

Right let me get this out of the way quickly, this is a BAD film, however, it's one of the most entertaining and over the top (with its outrageous 80s style) flicks that I've ever seen. Some people argue that this is a Giallo, there are black gloves & a "who's the killer" plot though being from '88 this is an obvious attempt from Umberto Lenzi to cash in on the American slasher. But my god it's so much fun! 

The script is just awful, there's so many hilarious pieces of dialogue and memorable bit part pieces in this film, from the constant wet T-shirt competitions, the hotel pervert (who watches his guests undress) & the 80's hair-rock soundtrack.

Then amongst all that you have two of my all-time favourite character actors in John Saxon (who plays a really corrupt cop who'll stoop to any level to get the job done) & Michael Parks who plays an alcoholic Dr. The rest of the cast is mostly made up of TV actors from shows such as Sunset Beach! All the characters remain memorable even if it is for all the wrong reasons.

For pure entertainment value I can enjoy this film as much as any of the classic films that the Italians ever made, sure you have to be in the right frame of mind to watch it but if you know what you are letting yourself in for and embrace its weaknesses you'll find yourself entertained from start to finish. A gem of terrible cinema which I can watch again & again. 

I could go on & on, if ever there was a film to sit down with a few friends & a bunch of beers then it is this one. Definitely one of the it's-so-bad-it's-good kinda films & the kind that I can imagine some people absolutely hating but as somebody who can enjoy even the worst trash this remains a film that never fails to put a smile on my face.

Rating: ★★★★

With headphones that large she deserves to die.

Patrick Still Lives

Patrick Still Lives

Genre: Exploitation, Horror

Original title: Patrick vive ancora

AKA: Patrick Is Still Alive

Director: Mario Landi

Year: 1980

A bedridden psycho is able to receive evil "vibrations" from hardened criminals and use them for his telekinetic powers.

An unofficial sequel to the 1978 Ozploitation classic Patrick. Patrick had moderate on its release but I find it kind of laughable that the Italians would stoop so low to rip off such a little known film with a phony sequel. 

The picture begins with someone driving past Patrick and throwing something out the window (a tin can I think!) which hits him & puts him in a coma. Next we see that his father owns some sort of hotel/therapy home & has invited criminals that he thinks may of been the ones which put Patrick in his coma, this way Patrick can seek revenge using his telekinetic powers. 

It's a ridiculous plot, with a ridiculous script with plenty of crazy characters yet despite all this Patrick Still Lives is actually very sleazy & entertaining flick. There literally isn't a minute that passes where you don't see a bottle of J&B being drunk, or a women stripping off for no reason at all, or a women being slapped by one of the male characters. It is that kind of movie. They copy some of Patrick's traits from the original such as him operating a typewriter with his mind or making doors close but for the first half of the movie Patrick is rarely seen. 

As the film progresses it really amps up the sensational aspects. There's a receptionist who Patrick gets to strip naked, dry hump his bed post and then masturbate in the corner of the room, all by using his mind! Then, a couple of gory deaths via dogs, drowning & a women being killed with a spike through the vagina which is WAY to graphic than it needed to be. 

I expected the low budget to really show on this type of film & whilst some of the special effects leave a lot to be desired the direction, editing & most of the performances are surprisingly serviceable. Also there is a really cool funky, bass heavy, prog-rock soundtrack that accompanies much of the first half of the film which I'd love to get my hands on. 

It's a bizarre film in many respects & Its whole look feels much older than its 1980 release date, yet Patrick Still Lives holds up as a sleazy & cheesy slice of exploitation horror which is much better than perhaps it has any right to be.

Rating: ★★★

Patrick doesn't even have to move an eyelid to get the chicks flocking towards him

The Sweet House Of Horrors

The Sweet House of Horrors

Original Title: La dolce casa degli orrori

Genre: Supernatural Horror

Director: Lucio Fulci

Year: 1989

A murdered couple return from the beyond to care for their two young children, as well as seek revenge against their killer, accept their children's step parents, and try to prevent their house from being sold.

I am not the worlds biggest Lucio Fulci fan at the best of times, so the prospect of a made for T.V film made near the end of his career didn't fill me with much hope. I should of trusted my own instincts as The Sweet House Of Horrors is absolutely atrocious. 

It starts off with a pretty brutal murder of two parents with poor special effects to boot, eyeballs are stabbed & blood pours out. This scene is backed up by a score which I can only describe as the sort you'd find on a Sega Mega Drive shoot 'em up. Tonally this is completely different to the rest of the film which plays out as a supernatural affair seen through the eyes of children. After this the shit really hits the fan. We are introduced to the now parentless children who in typical Italian style are fucking useless. To make matters worse, they are dubbed by adults which make them even more annoying. Every time someone tries to get in the way something will happen such as a step moving or some weird lights, that about as exciting as things get, the rest of the cast are pretty much as shoddy as the child actors too. Having a supernatural horror where the supernatural element is to protect children produces zero tension as there is never any real threat on screen.

To it's credit, it is pretty lean with its 80 minute running time & despite being terrible in almost every way, it doesn't seem to drag too much. That though, is about the only positive I can think of to describe this godawful Fulci flick.

Rating: ★

Like Charmed, but worse.

Nosferatu in Venice

Nosferatu in Venice

Original Title: Nosferatu a Venezia

Genre: Vampire, Gothic Horror

Director(s) Augusto Caminito, Mario Caiano

Year 1988

Paris Catalano travels to Venice to investigate the last known appearance of Nosferatu  in 1786, yet after a séance the all-powerful vampire returns.

Nosferatu In Venice is an infamous release mostly because of one man, Klaus Kinksi. Batshit crazy or a temperamental genius, which ever way you look at it he must of been an absolute nightmare to work with.

Given that arguably Kinksi's most famous role came in Werner Herzog's Nosferatu The Vampyre it came as no surprise that he'd be approached to revive the character again which he made so unforgettable. So the deal was set for Kinksi to once again transform into the bald headed, chalk-white skinned vampire nine years later in this gothic tale set in Venice. Unfortunately Kinksi arrived on set with a full head of long white hair & made it clear that under no circumstances would he be going through the painful make-up sessions again, so that idea was scrapped & the hair remained. This was possibly the catalyst for a violent argument that Kinksi had with the director Mario Caiano on the very first day, Kinksi then refused to work with him. Caiano left after receiving his full salary, this happening after people had already earlier left the project. Producer Augusto Caminito decided to direct the film for free to save the film from collapsing under financial disaster, its also reported that Kinksi himself ended up directing segments of the picture. To top this off two of the actresses accused Kinksi of assault. This must of been one of many times when producers regretted having Kinksi onboard.

Given all the problems on set it comes as no surprise that the film feels an incoherent mess with pacing issues  & underdeveloped characters, the most notable coming from the legendary Donald Pleasence. He has a few lines of religious mumbo-jumbo & just disappears, it is a completely disposable part & a real waste of talent. That said, the film does have a number of positives that prevent it from being a disaster. First of all you have the location of Venice which is always so beautifully cinematic. The alleyways, crumbling buildings and rivers create a haunting atmosphere, especially in a scene where Kinksi is stood upright on a boat with the mist in the background, it is a visually stunning scene. 

As for Nosferatu, they choose to ignore many of the classic vampire rules, crosses do not effect him & he has no problems with daylight & despite all of Kinksi's problems on set he still manages to portray the character as an incredibly creepy beast that has almost supernatural powers. Vangelis best known for scoring Blade Runner provides added atmosphere with a very gothic sounding score. Usually I'm not fond of  80s scores & whilst he uses many of the instruments & sounds of the era that would usually be a turn off for me they really come together well providing a very gothic feel.

Given the problems on set this film should be a complete monstrosity & despite it being a real mixed bag it has enough positives to make it worthwhile, though it is one I'd only recommend to Kinksi or Vampire completists.

Rating: ★★½

Kinksi, getting his freak-on